How to Help a Hoarder

Having a friend or family member who hoards can be very distressing.

You can see the negative effects that it is having on their mental and physical wellbeing, but it’s very hard to know what’s best to do to help them.

They are often very unwilling to accept your offers of help and support.

So what can you do?

We have collected some of the best advice around – we hope you find it useful.

What is Hoarding?

To start with, it is good to recognise what hoarding is (and what it is not).

Firstly, hoarders are not collectors. Collectors – even those with very extensive collections that appear to impact their living space – will tend to store and display their items in an orderly fashion, and ensure that they can still get around the house and get to everything that they need.

Hoarders, on the other hand, tend to lack any sort of consistency or system.  They tend to create random, meaningless piles around their homes which can really impede their movements.

That’s not to say that hoarded items that are not “collections” are worthless – it’s not true that hoarders only keep rubbish.  Quite a lot of hoarders may be keeping items of some value – the main difference to look out for is that these will not in any form of system, and will typically not be being well looked after.

According to mental health charity Mind, your GP may help diagnose hoarding disorder if you:

• find it difficult to get rid of things you own, even if they aren’t worth anything
• Feel emotionally distressed at the thought of getting rid of things – and that you need to save them
• Can’t use parts of your home because they’re so cluttered
• Keep bringing home things you’ve bought or got for free, even if you have no space or use for them
• Experience distress due to hoarding or find it’s affecting other areas of your life, such as your relationships with friends and family
• Experience hoarding on its own, not because of another health problem

And yes, hoarding is a mental health issue.  It is not the same is OCD, although according to the International OCD Foundation, about 75% of people with hoarding disorder at the same time have one or more additional mental health conditions, with 20% living with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

So please don’t ignore your friend or relative’s hoarding behaviour.  It means they need help. Please do your best to help them.  But please be gentle.

What should I NOT say to a hoarder?

Before we get onto useful tips on how to help, let’s start with some things you must NEVER say to a hoarder.

1) Don’t judge! For example, don’t say “How can you live like this?”  You don’t know the deep psychological reasons that underly their behaviour.  Be there to help, not sit in judgement.

2) Don’t be confrontational.  For example, don’t say “Come on, of COURSE you don’t need this!  Look at it, it’s just rubbish!” Remember that your hoarding friend has an emotional attachment to items that might not make sense to you, but the grief that they might feel at being asked to part with something is no less real just because you don’t understand it.

3) Don’t scare them.  Don’t say: “One day when you’re out I’m just going to sort all this out for you.” You might think this is an offer of help (because you’re good at organising things, right?) but actually this is a terrifying prospect for someone who’s very attached to everything.

4) Don’t try a “guilt trip”.  Don’t say: “Just look at the effect this is having on me / your family!”  Hoarding is a complex emotional condition.  Increasing the negative emotions around it is likely just to make the situation worse.

5) Don’t show a lack of empathy.  Don’t say: “Surely you could just get rid of this at least?  Why not?”  Your friend or relative will want to feel listened to and understood, not lectured to and told what is the “right” thing to do and feel. 

So how CAN I best help a hoarder?

1) DO listen to them. No two people who hoard are the same. They will have different reasons for their behaviour, and different challenges addressing it. Start from the perspective of someone who wants to listen and help, not someone who wants to come in and “sort them out”. Ask about the objects they hold dear. Show a genuine interest. And help them from the inside, with love.

2) DO encourage them to seek professional help. This is not something which you, or they, are likely to be able to address without the expertise of someone who’s dealt with it before. A skilled CBT therapist, available on the NHS if you are in the UK, will help your friend or loved one understand what makes it difficult to throw things away and the reasons why the clutter has built up, combined with practical tasks and a plan to work on. It’s important the person takes responsibility for clearing the clutter from their home. The therapist will support and encourage this. Start by speaking with your/their GP. Help is available – make the most of it.

3) DO take the time to learn more about the condition yourself. If you’re reading this page, you’re showing an interest already and making a good start. Hoarding is a deep and complex subject so find out as much as you can from the links on this page and more. Don’t rely on sensationalised TV shows about extreme hoarding and cleaning. Read things like the Mind and NHS advice (linked below), and look for serious books on the topic based on proper research.

4) DO make sure your hoarding friend knows you’re there for them, and that you offer help on their terms. Do they need someone to arrange a deep clean? To help them categorise things (a useful precursor to parting with things)? Or just give them a lift to the shop to get some boxes and bags? Be on hand for whatever they need, and support their own responsibility for sorting out the problem.

5) DO start small. Ask what you can help with that would be a tiny step in the right direction, without judging or even referring to the scale of the remaining problem. Every little helps. “I’m going to recycling, would you like me to take anything for you – I’ve got room for those old newspapers?” or “I’ve got a carpet cleaner coming round, do you want that rug cleaned while they’re here? I can help you move a few things beforehand if you like?”

6) DO recognise positive change. Slowing, then stopping, then turning around these behaviours will be a step by step process. Support that positive spiral by recognising – for yourself, as much as for the person who’s hoarding – that the steps you’ve seen are going in the right direction. You, and they, can feel good about each new step of the process.

7) DO be patient. Of course this won’t all happen overnight. And the positive spiral will sometimes pause or falter. Trust that this will all be OK in the end.

8) DO ask for help yourself. There are support groups available for families and loved ones of hoarders. You are not alone, and sometimes the simple recognition of your situation from a stranger will help you find the strength to carry on along what can be a long and difficult path.

9) DO stay positive. With your help and love, your friend who hoards can and will make a massive positive difference to their life. Be proud of them, and be proud of yourself for everything you have done and are doing to help them get there.

Where can I find more ways to help a hoarder?

Hoarding Helpline

Hoarding UK offers hoarding support groups in-person and online, and a support line: 020 3239 1600.

Help for Families of Hoarders

Children of Hoarders offers support groups and other resources for both hoarders and their families.

Mutual Support for Hoarding

The Clutter Movement Individual Support is a peer support group on Facebook. There is also a Clutter Movement Family Support group, for families of people who hoard.

More Information on Hoarding

Mind, the mental health charity, have some good information and resources here. And the NHS has a dedicated page on hoarding, and the help available, here.

Help with Hoarder Cleaning

Specialist cleaning company Bright Spark Solutions Cleaning Services is a nationwide company that specialises in the compassionate and sensitive sort-outs and clean-ups that working with a hoarding client, or on behalf of the family of a hoarding client, requires.  Speak to their professional team today on freephone 03301759974 or contact them here.